I’ve got nothing to be ashamed
of; neither do I have anything to be afraid of. When I said I’m stronger than I
was yesterday, I mean it.
But for the sake of your face;
dignity (or whatever that’s left of it), to assure you, this blog, is as good
as dead. I haven’t been on it for ages, and I don’t intend to update it anymore
after this.
You wrote me a letter, and have
NO COURAGE to let me know or even pass it to me PERSONALLY. Why involve third
party? I thought you hated that? Always telling me not to involve anyone,
especially family members into “our” scenarios.
Who have you been contacting and
meeting of late? My cousin AND my sister. As for me, not even your friends.
I’d like to share with whoever
that reads this page what you wrote, that you didn’t have the balls to tell me
face to face OR even pass it to me. Is it supposed to be sweet? To make me feel
sorry for you? I don’t know; you’ll be the judge of it.
I’ll just type out exactly what
you wrote, and then, I’ll have my say right after it.
“Natasha,
I’m writing this letter to you; wishing you the best of
progress and recovery. Eventhough its past 4 months, of the plan, I just want
to inform you of what happened from april till now. It might not matter to you
anymore but it matters. To me at least.
I was lost and hurt; finding my worth in life. How tangable my
life was in people that I loved. When someone I really cared for left me to
pieces, I was aimless…
We agreed to 4 months…August. I grew reserved to my real
intentions. With me being very very hurt, I hid myself and away from people. I
was afraid of you. I was too vulnerable.
I didn’t know what to do. Cause my actions can’t seem to
please anyone.
Fast forward…you thought I found someone and went dating. I
didn’t. never was on a date. Buut I did fell for someone. I didn’t pursue cause
I was waiting. I never get to explain to you. I was waiting for you secretly,
waiting for you to break the ice I had in my heart… nothing happened.
Then I found out you’re with someone. It hurts me, you don’t
know how much I was in pain and wanted to cry but I cant. I was too numb. Sad
you went overseas with him, hurt by the fact that I couldn’t do what he can.
Anyway, I see that you’re happy now and what I prayed for
everyday came true. I prayed for your happiness. Syukur Alhamduillah…
You’ll never stray from my heart and soul… cause it’s you that
I truly and purely loved. You are a big big part of my life and it went away. I
was bruised and pride got in my way. But I learnt that being proud with nothing
in hand is plain fucking stupidity.
I guess it’s me that will never find love cause I never learn
how to love myself. Slowly I guess? Learn it the hard way. You were my best
friend, the best teacher and will treasure everything that you taught me the
past years…
With you, I learn how to be a man. I learn how to sacrifice, I
learn tolerance, I learn to swallow my pride, I learn limits and finally… I
learn about respect. Yes I am slow in progress and will always be that way. In
the process of progressing faster insyaallah.
Crazy as it seems. I still think of you time and again. AND
you’re right. The good things do overpower the bad things, not quantity but
quality. and also to how you see it too. I was too late to see and feel it.
It’s stupid to still care after the hurt we bring to both you
and me… it’s too late I guess… but all I
know I am never too late for closure. Correct me if I am wrong.
I guess this is the last time you’ll be hearing from me and
this is most likely the last see you soon that never will come.
I apologise for the good, the bad and the ugly all these times
when I’m around you. Most of all, I’m sorry for the past few months. I could
have been there but with the situation we faced. It was impossible.
Word of advice… swallow your pride, be more respectful, calm
your words. You’ll have a longer one with him.
Best wishes.
Ridsham.
The stupid one. “
A round of applause for the
perfect script to the non-existence actor!! *applause!! Standing ovation…wolf
whistle*
Hunny, if you’re expecting a
sweet “aww….it’s alright baby, I forgive you” reply, or anything of some sort,
you clearly don’t know me. I’ve nothing but comebacks for the letter.
First things first, you used 2
perfectly good pieces of foolscap paper on one side each. Do you not know I’m
against that? Why couldn’t you use the back of the paper? My heart ached when I
saw that the back was empty. You could’ve used just a piece of paper; or maybe
none at all.
Next, oh my dear god!! Your
English!! Do you know how much underlines there were on MSWord? Actually, I
didn’t have to use that to spot the mistakes. I already spotted a few in the
first paragraph. But damn! As the letter went on, the amount of errors that
MSWord spotted. MSWord is the bitch, not me.
Now here are the comebacks…
Paragraph 1 and 2
Thank you for not being there
when it was as clear as daylight that I needed you. Then again, thank you for
not being there, because it made me realised the type of guy you are (one who
goes away when a girl he claimed he loved is in need of his support to get
through it) and that I have got awesome friends and family around who was there
to help me get up on my feet. Of course, it was also up to me to decide if I
wanted to just stay in that pit hole and wait for you to come and save me, or I
could just move on without you, because you’re a jackass.
You know, I kept asking around about you.
Asking people who cares about me, “how’s ridsham?” “how’s he coping.” Hmm…why
didn’t I ask you direct instead? Oh…I don’t know, maybe it was because whenever
I asked how you were, you said you’re fine and doing good. Maybe it was because
you told people that I was a “freaky stalker”. Ok fine. Me, having the
intentions of wanting to help you get back up was wrong, so wrong. Because to
me, I know that I was the one who
brought you down to that state, it was only right for me to bring you out of
it, even though I myself am helpless, that’s the least I could do. But nope,
not to you, I was a “freaky stalker” and “breathing down your neck”.
Paragraph 3
We didn’t agree to 4 months. I
said 4 months; you said you’d give me more time. (Sweet isn’t it?) but oh the
things you did to just hurt me even more! Your IG. How convenient. Posting up
shots of the stuff that I returned to you, giving and selling them away, when
was that, hmm…more or less 2 months after the break up. 2 months Ridsham! If it
was done after the 4th month, then fine, I get it, game over for me.
But 2 months?! “how come you’ve got girl clothing to give away sham?” “they
used to be owned by someone.” Someone? Really? You couldn’t be more blunt,
could you? But, it’s alright, I deserve it anyways, I was fine, strong, not
suffering from any mental illness or whatsoever. I could take it.
Then June arrived. Oh shit!! The
dilemma…to text or not to text. To surprise, or not to surprise. GASP!!
Surprise?! Yes, I had the intention of that, even though I was going through
pain, because the thought of seeing you smile, even for just a little while, at
that point of time, it would have made me happy. Wad did I plan to do? Nothing
big, since we weren’t together. But I didn’t want to break my tradition of
surprising you on your birthday. Just wanted to get you a card and a stalk of
yellow rose, put it through your window and leave. But no, I was advised to not
even text you. I went against it. I did. And with my stupidity, I hoped that
you’d reply with at least a thank you. But, nope, none. Another part of me told
me that I deserved it anyways. So I just
accepted, and hoped when the 24th of June came, there would be
something in store for me, from you. SHIT!! Why, was I so stupid?! Why did I
even put up hope for that? I hope that you’d at least text me a greeting. But
nope. All I got was a tweet that my sister showed me, with the word “ex” in it.
And you expected me to read that?! Really? Did I follow you on twitter? Or were
you hoping that I’d secretly stalked you on twitter? Either way, you won. You
wanted me as an ex, and you got it. Me on the other hand, I thought I wanted
you as an ex, but in reality, I couldn’t, and that wasn’t what I wanted.
Paragraph 4 and 5
Why I thought you found someone
and went on dates, oh…I don’t know, maybe it was because you kept tagging the
same person on FB wherever you went. Or maybe it’s because you posted up photos
of you and girls, at school, at work, outside, leaning on each other, holding
waists and shoulders. So, all those wouldn’t make someone think that you’re not
dating huh. You didn’t pursue with her? Please, she wasn’t interested in you.
You were bro-zoned, not because you were waiting for me.
C’mon!! I tried to go back to
you. I did all ways. I was desperate! (and stupid enough to be.) but you!! Your
ego! You were so full of yourself!! You were so high up there because you knew
that I needed you, and I was begging you, but you just did what you did best.
Ignore and bring your ego up. Nothing happened because, I was hurt! Hurt that you
posted up lots photos of you and girls. Hurt that you called me a “freaky
stalker” and was “breathing down your neck”. Afraid that whatever move I made
next, I’d be labelled and judged. I couldn’t afford anymore. I was at my wits
end. If you must know, I talked bad to my parents, ignored all help that they
wanted to give. All because of what you did. I was foolish, stupid, insensitive
and not myself to the people who truly loved me, all for someone whom I thought
was the love of my life.
Paragraph 6
My dear boy, I got over you. I had
to. You caused me so much hurt and pain within the 4 months. I needed to move
on from the pain. I could’ve done what you did. I could’ve posted up pictures
of people I went out with, dates that I went out to, pictures of dates and
flirts that I had, but did I? Nope. Why? Because I know how insensitive it
would have been for me to do all those, just to make you jealous (?), to show
you that I could live and move on without you. You can fall for someone and I can’t?
You didn’t even put in the slightest effort to check up on me. Meeting up with
my cousin and showing off to her the girl that you fell for? What are you
hoping to get from that? An invitation to my funeral? No. I was picking myself
up with the help of the people who truly cared. Not from ones that stood by the
corner and watched and commented and secretly hope. They offered a hand; I wasted
not a second of my life to get back up. Sure there were days, weeks in fact
where I wondered if this was all worth it, if I was going to be alright, where I
cave back in to the pit. But the thought of feeling that pain again, I couldn’t.
I didn’t want to. Sad I went overseas with him? Really? If you were Izam, I’d
understand that, because at that point of time, we were dating. But you? What right
had you got? You destroyed what I thought we could have maintained. I showed
you how much hope I had left of the relationship. We were hanging, yes, but I wanted
to fight it, and prove to everyone that they are wrong, he is THE ONE. But everyone
else seems to prove me wrong. Whatever believe I had in you, started to fade. You
did things you promised you never would. You did things that are against your
words. You, did this to yourself.
Paragraph 7
Thank you for keeping me in your
prayers. I did the same for you, until you started to hurt me so bad.
Paragraph 8 to 10
I’m glad you realised that, but
you’re too late. No, you’re not a slow learner, nor slow in progress. You just
REFUSE to let things that aren’t from you, get to you. You just cannot accept
the fact that others can do better than you. You demand things to go your way,
otherwise, you’ll sulk. Ask around, those who agrees, knows you. Those who don’t
clearly haven’t done a project with you. You learnt how to be a man, but you’d rather
stay a boy, that’s why you went back to where you were when I found you. You learnt
to swallow your pride? Really? If so, why didn’t you ask for me? Why didn’t you
even ask me to go down to get the stuff from you? Why my sister? Why get her
involved? You learnt about respect? Again, really? If you did, you’d have
respected your promise. You’d have respected all that I’ve done for you, on
you. Why go back to smoking?! Because you’re stressed? Because you want to do
something to get things out of your head? How is it even a valid answer? You promised
your mother. And I pray that one day, she’ll find out that her son isn’t what
she thought she said he was. You’re a letdown Ridsham. You cannot even keep the
promise to your own mother. Think of all the things that she has done for you,
and you are doing to her right now. Think of all the sacrifices she has done
for you, and you cannot even keep that one promise you made to her. The best
part, you’re proud of it. You’re posting up pictures of it. (Call me a stalker
or whatever you wish, nothing will hurt me anymore, not from you at least.)
Paragraph 11 and 12
I hate using this line, because
of you and your attitude towards it, but I just have to, I TOLD YOU SO! Once again
Ridsham, it’s too late. Care about you? i worry about you!! Who in the right
mind would want to go out with a douchebag like you? Blaming me for all the
things you couldn’t do. Being a guy who cannot mean his words. A guy who speaks
with vulgarities in every sentence. A guy who highly thinks for and about
himself. Those are the criteria for being a boy, a douchebag. Congratulations! You
did it! You’re there. You went back to being the guy whom I spent 4 years of my
life carving out to be the perfect man. I had my flaws too, but I improved, and
NEVER went back to it. Closure? For what? Things were already made clear when
you posted up the pictures of your life. I’m glad you’re proud of it you know. But
I am not proud of what you’re doing. In fact, you made me think of what I actually
saw in you. Why, did I even have hopes on you.
I definitely think that I deserve
better. Someone who’d rather I voice out my opinion, rather than keep it to
myself. Someone who’d do things sincerely, for me, rather than taking it as a
chore. Who understands my needs, rather than blame me for needing them. I’ve
met a few of them along the way. But I nestled for one who understood my
situation and knows exactly what I’m going through and what I need.
Paragraph 13
Know why “see you soon” won’t
ever come? Because you don’t put a date on it. The last see you soon was at RP,
where I “stalked” you down, because I didn’t want to bother my sister. Where I cried
and secretly hoped you’d give me an assuring hug. But no, ego got the better of
you.
Paragraph 14 and 15
No need to apologise if you’re
going to do it again. Besides, it’s not like we matter anymore. You thought it
was impossible. I still remembered a promise you made. You said that you’d be
there through every appointment I had to go to. (so sweet, again.) But did you?
Were you? You didn’t even want to see me. You made it impossible. Once again,
you brought this upon yourself.
And you know what mister,
practice what you preach. You called me a “freaky stalker”, how about yourself?
How’d you know that I went on holiday with him? How’d you know I was attached? You’re
not following me on IG, neither are you on my twitter. My FB had been privatised.
All those advices, you do the same too, and more. You’ve got to work very, very
hard to get out there. Otherwise, you’d have no one to blame but yourself.
We’re planning to get engaged by
the end of next year. Marriage? Insha’Allah, 2 years down the road. Too soon? Nope,
there’s never a too soon when it comes to love. You either have it or not.
To end this
All the best Ridsham. I guess the
saying is right, “they’d only want you back when they see you happy with
someone else.” And you know that I know that it isn’t me that you miss, it’s
us, and what we used to have. Because I gave my all, and fought for it, when
you thought that I did nothing. Think about it, if I really did nothing, do you
think I’d have kept to the promise I made. “I’ll be the longest and best
girlfriend you’d ever have” did you keep to yours? Do you even remember the
promise(s) that you made?
Go ahead, post this up somewhere.
Share this on IG, quote me. I’m not afraid, because I know that all I’ve said
are true, and sincerely, from the heart. Actually, the whole of what we had, it
was all done with sincerity.
Labels: letter, regrets, stupidity
